heartbreak of miscarriage

I was talking with a friend the other day who has recently  miscarried.

She was asking me, since I have had a few, how I handle it.

She is just so full of sorrow and the pain is so fresh.

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” I don’t know.” I answer.

“You just do, for as long as you can then, you cry. You pray. You cry some more. You serve the blessings that are here with you on earth. Do for others what you cannot do for your baby. Go on with life and your loves for as long as you can.  Then something happens or a day comes that reminds you of your missing baby and you cry again. You pray. You cry some more. You then serve the blessings the Lord has given you to care for here on earth. Do for others what you cannot do for your baby….”

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I felt sad saying that to her. It is true for me though. I just deal with it daily. My first miscarriage was so long ago, yet it feels fairly new. You see your other children doing things and wonder what that child would be doing right now if he or she was here.  How would that child look, more like me? Would they love cooking, computers, WW2 stuff, airplanes, cars, hiking, skateboarding, bmx bikes, monster truck races, video games, air softing, model airplanes, basketball, soccer…? The personal stuff about them to make each one different is what I dream about. Who they are. So I do for others here on earth, what I cannot do for my child in heaven. I do not know their personality or their loves, so I serve where I think they might have gone or been apart of . For instance, when I go and do things like send a Christmas box to a child in another country, I wonder that if  my child was a missionary there and this was for a member of his flock? Would this help minister with at least one child? When I help send care packages to the soldiers, I wonder if this package  I was sending was for my child,   what would they want or need?  They are always on my mind.

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Moses was my last miscarriage.

It was at a really stressful time in my life.

He was extremely wanted.

When he left me I was just crushed. Why could my body not hold him? I was healthy! I did everything right! I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!!! Why? Dr’s said that the unneeded, ridiculous, crazy person stress I had been a part of before could cause a loss… Now with that all the same crazy in my life at that moment…I knew he was leaving and I …blamed myself for having so much unneeded stress from a source that I should have cut from my life years before! Why was I not stronger for my child!!  Ugh.  That stress,  is another story though, for another day. Moving on! This was my 4th baby in heaven.  Yeah. I did not want to share my grief with friends. I just retreated to myself. I went to my bible for guidance. The Lord has an amazing way of speaking through the words in there. I opened to the story of Moses. The part where the Pharaoh had decreed that all the male babies were to be killed. Moses mother Jochebed, keep him in secret for 3 months!  When she could not  keep him safe and hidden anymore she put him in a basket coated in pitch and set him adrift in the water instead of delivering him to the Egyptians to be killed. Her 7 year old daughter followed the basket. She saw that the baby was then found by the Pharaoh’s daughter and was taken to live in the palace, with the king.

This struck me.

I know that Jochebed must have loved her baby so much!!

She hid her little one for 3 months!! Then when she knew he would be discovered instead of taking him to be killed she gave him a chance by sending him off down river.

She did not send him alone.

Her daughter followed…just in case.

Yes, I have read my bible and I know there is more to this story but bear with me for a little.

My baby, I loved him.

I had him for 3 months.

I did not have the threat of death for him the way of Jochebed, but death did come.

His trip down the “river” or the path to The King, he was watched by his 2 brothers and sister as well.

His final destination was to live in a palace with the King of Kings, my Lord and Savior.

Hence, the name Moses for my son.

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At this point I am thinking of Jochebed’s friends, who had children who were then ripped from their hands and  probably murdered right in front of them. What is going through their minds? How are their hearts taking it? How are they breathing? Oh my! I feel this much pain with a child that was in my womb for a few short months, what must their heart be feeling? What about those mothers and fathers in the children’s hospitals who have children age 3 months..4..5..9..13…17..23…37…who have passed on? Oh I am shaking with heartbreak for them. How hard to watch your child slip away from you, in pain or not. My Lord in heaven, what must their pain be?

Again I am brought back to the bible and what has now become my favorite verse:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

I took this verse to my heart. God has a plan for me. He had a plan for me to be the mother to 8 children. Four children on earth and four children in heaven for my heart to love.  He does not want to hurt me, just help me grow. I cannot see all that He can. He wants to give me a future. He does not want me to wallow in sadness.

If my child had been 4 when he died, I might never have recovered…or recovered in time to do what I have been doing. I might not be such an advocate for saving babies. I might not be out there trying to rally others onto the mission field! I might not have been there in front of Planned Parenthood that day when this sweet girl I had just had the privilege to meet, chose to keep her baby. Yes, God in all His glory is amazing and wonderful and has perfect timing. He can turn anything that I think is bad, terrible, crushing, repressing, depressing, disturbing, heinous, fearful, rotten, loathsome, horrendous or unpleasant into a blessing. Yes, He is that good!!

Bringing this back to the beginning, knowing all this, I still cry. I still miss what I never got to have. I still have days that are harder than others. The thing is that because of my God, I have good days too. I have quite a few good days! I miss my children but I know that I will see them soon. I will get to hug them and praise God with them. I will get to be the mother of 8, all of us together, at a big table with Jesus!! It is the joy that is etched in my heart that I can only receive through the Lord that gets me going every morning! I am a child of God and my children are with Him. I could not ask for a better place for Daniel, Autumn, Noah and Moses to be while they are waiting for the rest of us in heaven!

I AM BLESSED!