When He answers me “no” do I still put my trust in Him? When I pray and pray for an answer but still the response is not what I want does my faith falter?
If I am honest, I do get mad sometimes. The way that I THINK my answer SHOULD BE handled is not actually going that way. That is just my flesh talking though. God ALWAYS has a better plan than anything my limited and self centered mind would ever come up with. I am just a weary sinner focused on my own life and what I feel would make it wonderful in the now. God loves me so much that He does tell me no. He knows what my future holds and what is better for me. For example, He could not see that teenage me who was really in a dark place would have so much to live for in the here and now. Back then all I wanted was to meet Jesus and escape the ugliness of my reality. I saw Him as an escape, as a place of healing. I just wanted a place where I felt free from harm, emotionally and physically. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of existing. I wanted to be free of danger and I knew Jesus could take me to that place of peace. Simplistically, yes He is that, a way to safety, but He is not a place to hide.
He did save me. When I turned to Him he did not leave me to suffer alone. He took my hand and lead me through the darkness that was suffocating me. Jesus gave me breath, His breath to fill my soul and embolden my courage to continue to see light at the end of the terrifying cave of suffering that I seemed to be surrounded by. He showed me that there was a purpose for this path I was on. He took the evil, the pain and torment from my past and turned it into a starting point of growth that made me stronger to deal with what would try and destroy me in my future. It has not changed the fact that I still want to meet Jesus. It has changed the reason why I cannot wait to be kneeling at His precious feet. I am impatient to be in His presence so that I can worship Him, thank Him, and praise Him for all that He has done for me. I just want to be in His company!! Had God not told me “no”, I would not be in a place of total adoration of my Savior.
There were two paths in front of me. God guided me down the harder path. I did stumble and even fall on that path. Oh it did hurt too. I have got some nasty scrapes, breaks and bruises, but He was always by my side. He lifted me up when I was sure I couldn’t get up again. He helped me learn the right walk. He has shown me that there is JOY in the journey to Jesus!! Every stumble, every mountain I must climb and every time He lovingly tells me “no daughter, I have a better plan for you”. I will put my trust in Him. For He loves me more than I will ever love myself. My faith and my heart, will always follow and reside with the Eternal King.