So…this has been my life for the past few years…spending time just sitting on uncomfortable furniture, with a (hopefully) good book in hand, hanging out in various waiting rooms, wondering if this will finally be the last one. Will this doctor finally give me the answers I am needing to find? Fun, fun, fun!!! Not.
When you know your are unhealthy, even the doctors know, and they can’t figure out why…you are perpetually stuck in waiting rooms, lots and lots of various cold and impersonal waiting rooms. For me it is a room of anxiety. Questions run through my mind endlessly here. Will this doctor need more blood? Do I have more blood to give? How many more tests? Did this one graduate honestly wanting to heal others or just to make mountains of money? Do I have to take more medicine I am allergic to? We already tested for that, why again? Yay its not cancer! Then why do we have to remove it? Yeah, not the most uplifting conversations are dancing around in my noggin during these periods of wait. Sadly, I now often have little faith that this health situation I have been living in can be fixed by men or women of the world. I think only God has the answers I am looking for and I might only get them when my life here on earth is over.
This has been truly a season of waiting rooms. Not just in the area of my health. The Lord has had me in areas of wait in other parts of my life as well. I have situations that I am SO ready for Him to step in and change. Oh let me tell you, I have told Him exactly how I feel these areas need to be addressed. Yet for some reason, He does not agree. I know He is entertained by my attempts to get Him to see that my way, to deal with an issue would just be so easy! No need for Him to have a plan. I got this. I got this!! Just smite this person over there, and maybe lift up this person over here…yeah, I know you are hearing Him giggle at me to aren’t you?
Chuckles or not, He has me waiting for my answers. I know that God is faithful, and I am called to walk by faith and not by sight. No matter what the ever negatively evolving, unstable or painful seasons that life brings. As a Believer in Christ Jesus, through times of joy and tribulation, God’s faithfulness remains consistent and steadfast. I must continue to put all my faith and trust in Him and Him alone as I sit here in my season of waiting. Life is hard, turbulent, challenging, and quite often, does not play into my favor. I admit that when things do not go according to my plans, I can become really apprehensive, but God remains faithful. Every single time, He is there, finding the better path for me. The one I didn’t even consider. It’s sometimes hidden just till I grow a little more or it is taking time being prepared for me to step into.
I am learning that waiting does have its perks. I am getting a ton of reading done! I had been so busy that I had not had as much time to read just for pleasure. I had forgotten how much it made me feel more like me. I am discovering books I never would have read. I have found little hidden bookstores in my community I had never noticed before. I have stopped in amazing coffee shops in neighborhoods I had never visited until I had an appointment there. There have been a few that make coffee that was touched by one of God’s angels it was so good. In my waiting I have found more people now are really trying to live eating clean and we exchange recipes. I am connecting with others amazing people I might never have had a reason to chit chat with if we weren’t both trying to figure out our health issues.
The best part about this season of wait is that I have had more time to be quietly speaking with God. He has been showing me areas where I did not even know my soul was in need of healing. Those moments really hurt. They were not my favorite, but they were intensely needed. He is the Great Physician and knows exactly what I need. My healing on all levels is always on His mind. He knows the best course for me. He never forgets where I am at, but sometimes just asks me to wait for a bit before He has me move on.
That leaves me here.
I am in the waiting rooms. The doctors waiting rooms and God’s. I know I will receive answers eventually. I must use this time to work on my patience and accept those things that I cannot control. Those are some seriously intense lessons by the way! Did not realize just how much I depended on my own control in a situation. Totally getting smacked with the realization that I actually have none. Absolutely no control over anything. It was all an illusion. Only God is ever really in control. I digress. Sorry, that is a totally different post.
Those of you who are going through similar trials of unexplained health, emotional or spiritual issues, know I am praying for you. One way or the other we will be healed, either on this side of heaven or in eternity, but we will be healed.