My Moment with Dust

As I was curled up here on the couch early this morning, thinking about the Lord and my conversations with him, the sun began to slowly rise outside. It was beautiful. The sunlight crept up through the darkness and a glow of reds, oranges and golds began its leisurely climb across the sky. It made me smile. The light began to shine through our glass door and progressively a beam of light began to form in the room. Just as a small child, I was drawn to watch the small particles of dust drifting through the light. They just floated here and there with a random dust patterns. The heater  kicked on and the particles began to dance. Here I was witness to such a fascinating show, forgetting that it was happening like this around me every single day at every single moment. I just was not in a place to witness this all the time. It brought me back to Jesus. A message to share with my children today.

It reinforced the fact that the Lord is always with us. Just like the dust in the air, as a metaphor. We do not see the soot in the air. We do not feel the dust flakes in the air most of the time. We breathe in the bits of grime in the air with every life giving breath we take. We know that it is there, all around us every moment of every day,  yet we choose to not think about it. Then when we finally slow down, take a quiet moment of peace, catch a glimpse of the dust in the light and are reminded and amazed at all the little fragments that fill up the space we choose to see as empty. The Lord is always with us, more than their are  cinders in the air, He is with us. He consumes the space around us with His presence and His love! We may not be so privileged as to physically see Him or feel Him every moment, yet that does not take away from the fact that He is there! He is in every breath we take! He is in us and alive! We just have to realize it and look for Him. He never leaves us, ever. We just forget to look for Him sometimes in our lives,that are so filled with the hustle and bustle of keeping up with the “Jones Family”. We forget who and what is truly important. The Lord is the reason for living, not because the alarm clock went off and I have responsibilities. Like, the kids need breakfast, husband needs his laundry clean, I have a bible study to prepare for, oh darn we have to get to MOPS today! No, that is the extra fluff. That is just another opportunity to praise the Lord in a different arena For He will be with me as I make breakfast for the kids. Thank you Jesus for food to nourish my children. He is with me as I wash my loving husbands laundry. Thank you Jesus for such an amazing husband. Thank you for providing my husband with a job that I can wash his clothes for and a way I can serve him. He is with me as I prepare for bible study. Thank you Jesus for Your Word to guide my footfalls in life. He is with me at MOPS. Thank you Jesus for surrounding me with God loving women who want to worship you and raise their children to do the same.

I want to bask in my moments of sunshine with the Lord. They are just a tiny glimpse of what the Lord has in store for us in heaven. A reminder of the warmth of His love that was bought at a price, for me and you. Thank you Jesus for being with me always, even when I forget you are there. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my light.

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Starting Our Valentines

Starting our valentine projects…

 

018…it is time for their creativity to be unleashed!

019 022 024It is the younger kiddos that really enjoy the gift of giving little happy notes to others.

023We  are making little notes to take to a local senior citizen home.

We are getting together with some friends and sharing love with others who might be forgotten.

They are going to bake some goodies, sing some songs and share some friendship notes with these local seniors.

We were going to buy some boxed valentines, just to save time, but I thought at $3.99 a box of 24 pre made tiny notes I knew we could do better! Ours would be more heart felt and old school!  The 4 boxes we were going to buy would have been  $16. I bought 3 different construction paper colors at $1.89 a piece and a package of hearts for $2.99.  I found leftover stickers, pulled out markers, scissors, glitter and glue to complete the creativity table.

This is so much better than watching television together!

020 015

I think these will be appreciated more by the seniors too.

These are the kinds of valentines I keep forever!

Great job kiddos!!

Soup for Dinner

007I had started out making chicken broth.

The kiddos had wanted chicken and stars for dinner.

I got a bit carried away.

We need more healthy things to eat to avoid the flu this year.

I think I should just add a few bits of chicken,

some corn,

maybe some beans.

OOPS!!

Here is my Chicken Tortilla Soup instead.

They ate it…

My husband and I loved it!!

 The older two liked it.

The younger two…

still want chicken and stars.

Oh well.

They are healthy though!!

Awards Day

The younger girls got awards today!

They are part of American Heritage Girls.

AHG awards January 2013 003There are only 2 Pathfinders in our group.

Aren’t they cute though?

They both just earned 2 beads for their necklaces.

AHG awards January 2013 004Good job sweetie!!

Now Rebecca is different.

Her group is bigger.

AHG awards January 2013 005I know I am not a great photographer, but here are the girls her age getting their awards.

AHG awards January 2013 007It was cold so she has her jacket on over her uniform,

but she just got her patches too.

So proud of you girls!!

sidewalk ministry class

I am still debating putting up my post on the sidewalk ministry class I took on Saturday.

It effected me deeply.

I am still overwhelmed with emotion from the information that I re-learned and the information I knew but had hard evidence right there in front of me as to how incredibly evil the enemy is.

I believe that babies are a gift from God. All babies are a blessing

 

Psalm 127:3 ESV

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

Psalm 139:13-16 ESV 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

John 16:21 ESV 

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

Matthew 18:10 ESV 

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

My heart breaks when I hear how many are taught from such a young age that this life is just a blob of flesh. So many believe that it is okay to destroy life as long as it interferes with their own… Oh there is so much I want to say…I am shaking with emotion…Maybe tomorrow will be a better day to post.

heartbreak of miscarriage

I was talking with a friend the other day who has recently  miscarried.

She was asking me, since I have had a few, how I handle it.

She is just so full of sorrow and the pain is so fresh.

~

” I don’t know.” I answer.

“You just do, for as long as you can then, you cry. You pray. You cry some more. You serve the blessings that are here with you on earth. Do for others what you cannot do for your baby. Go on with life and your loves for as long as you can.  Then something happens or a day comes that reminds you of your missing baby and you cry again. You pray. You cry some more. You then serve the blessings the Lord has given you to care for here on earth. Do for others what you cannot do for your baby….”

~

I felt sad saying that to her. It is true for me though. I just deal with it daily. My first miscarriage was so long ago, yet it feels fairly new. You see your other children doing things and wonder what that child would be doing right now if he or she was here.  How would that child look, more like me? Would they love cooking, computers, WW2 stuff, airplanes, cars, hiking, skateboarding, bmx bikes, monster truck races, video games, air softing, model airplanes, basketball, soccer…? The personal stuff about them to make each one different is what I dream about. Who they are. So I do for others here on earth, what I cannot do for my child in heaven. I do not know their personality or their loves, so I serve where I think they might have gone or been apart of . For instance, when I go and do things like send a Christmas box to a child in another country, I wonder that if  my child was a missionary there and this was for a member of his flock? Would this help minister with at least one child? When I help send care packages to the soldiers, I wonder if this package  I was sending was for my child,   what would they want or need?  They are always on my mind.

~

Moses was my last miscarriage.

It was at a really stressful time in my life.

He was extremely wanted.

When he left me I was just crushed. Why could my body not hold him? I was healthy! I did everything right! I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!!! Why? Dr’s said that the unneeded, ridiculous, crazy person stress I had been a part of before could cause a loss… Now with that all the same crazy in my life at that moment…I knew he was leaving and I …blamed myself for having so much unneeded stress from a source that I should have cut from my life years before! Why was I not stronger for my child!!  Ugh.  That stress,  is another story though, for another day. Moving on! This was my 4th baby in heaven.  Yeah. I did not want to share my grief with friends. I just retreated to myself. I went to my bible for guidance. The Lord has an amazing way of speaking through the words in there. I opened to the story of Moses. The part where the Pharaoh had decreed that all the male babies were to be killed. Moses mother Jochebed, keep him in secret for 3 months!  When she could not  keep him safe and hidden anymore she put him in a basket coated in pitch and set him adrift in the water instead of delivering him to the Egyptians to be killed. Her 7 year old daughter followed the basket. She saw that the baby was then found by the Pharaoh’s daughter and was taken to live in the palace, with the king.

This struck me.

I know that Jochebed must have loved her baby so much!!

She hid her little one for 3 months!! Then when she knew he would be discovered instead of taking him to be killed she gave him a chance by sending him off down river.

She did not send him alone.

Her daughter followed…just in case.

Yes, I have read my bible and I know there is more to this story but bear with me for a little.

My baby, I loved him.

I had him for 3 months.

I did not have the threat of death for him the way of Jochebed, but death did come.

His trip down the “river” or the path to The King, he was watched by his 2 brothers and sister as well.

His final destination was to live in a palace with the King of Kings, my Lord and Savior.

Hence, the name Moses for my son.

~

At this point I am thinking of Jochebed’s friends, who had children who were then ripped from their hands and  probably murdered right in front of them. What is going through their minds? How are their hearts taking it? How are they breathing? Oh my! I feel this much pain with a child that was in my womb for a few short months, what must their heart be feeling? What about those mothers and fathers in the children’s hospitals who have children age 3 months..4..5..9..13…17..23…37…who have passed on? Oh I am shaking with heartbreak for them. How hard to watch your child slip away from you, in pain or not. My Lord in heaven, what must their pain be?

Again I am brought back to the bible and what has now become my favorite verse:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

I took this verse to my heart. God has a plan for me. He had a plan for me to be the mother to 8 children. Four children on earth and four children in heaven for my heart to love.  He does not want to hurt me, just help me grow. I cannot see all that He can. He wants to give me a future. He does not want me to wallow in sadness.

If my child had been 4 when he died, I might never have recovered…or recovered in time to do what I have been doing. I might not be such an advocate for saving babies. I might not be out there trying to rally others onto the mission field! I might not have been there in front of Planned Parenthood that day when this sweet girl I had just had the privilege to meet, chose to keep her baby. Yes, God in all His glory is amazing and wonderful and has perfect timing. He can turn anything that I think is bad, terrible, crushing, repressing, depressing, disturbing, heinous, fearful, rotten, loathsome, horrendous or unpleasant into a blessing. Yes, He is that good!!

Bringing this back to the beginning, knowing all this, I still cry. I still miss what I never got to have. I still have days that are harder than others. The thing is that because of my God, I have good days too. I have quite a few good days! I miss my children but I know that I will see them soon. I will get to hug them and praise God with them. I will get to be the mother of 8, all of us together, at a big table with Jesus!! It is the joy that is etched in my heart that I can only receive through the Lord that gets me going every morning! I am a child of God and my children are with Him. I could not ask for a better place for Daniel, Autumn, Noah and Moses to be while they are waiting for the rest of us in heaven!

I AM BLESSED!